


The Years Between

by starrynightfantasies



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Loki laufeyson - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, F/M, Gen, Lost Love, Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-02-24 10:42:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13212078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrynightfantasies/pseuds/starrynightfantasies
Summary: Imagine Loki visited Midgard once before, during or shortly before WWII, and he fell in love with a young mortal woman. Everything was fine until Heimdall notified Odin, who brought Loki straight back to Asgard and forbade his return.Decades later, after Loki’s attack on New York, he meets Bucky, and they become uneasy allies. One day, Loki confesses that he didn’t always think mortals were so bad, even admitting his love for the mortal woman. When Loki describes her, Bucky realizes that he knows her- she was captured by HYDRA at the same time he was.And Bucky knows exactly where she’s hiding.





	1. Prologue

Loki ran through the streets, snowflakes sticking to his face and eyelashes. His hands were as cold as ice, but he didn't feel it.  _This must be what those sappy_ _Midgardian love songs are about_. He patted his pocket once more, feeling for the tiny box he'd just retrieved from the jeweler's shop. It hadn't been easy to convince the man to let the ring go for less than his asking price, but Loki had always had a gift for those things. He'd asked for more than just an engagement ring; he'd also asked the older man for advice. 

His heart hammered in his chest as he thought of what he was about to do. Amelia didn't know he wasn't human. She had no idea where he was  _really_ from, but she'd said she loved him, and he loved her. Oh, how he _loved_ her. He would give up near immortality to be with her for however long she had on Earth. He glanced at the sky and prayed to a god he didn't believe in that she would say  _yes_. 

He hoped he was doing this right. He'd never even thought of that when he had left her house earlier that morning. He only knew one thing- he wanted to keep her. He wanted to make her  _his_. And he would do that however was expected here on Midgard. 

Loki patted the box in his pocket once more, hoping the size was right. It was difficult to guess a ring size, especially when he'd gauged it from slipping her finger into his mouth earlier that morning. She had giggled and kissed him, smiling so sweetly he felt his chest constrict.

Amelia accepted him for all that he was- or  _wasn't_. She didn't expect him to don a uniform and go off to war like the other men. In fact, she'd begged him not to. He had seen enough battles in his life, and he certainly didn't want to fight in a war here on Midgard.

They spent their time reading together, laying in bed contemplating the wonders of the universe, and talking- endlessly talking. Loki found that even though she didn't know his origins, he didn't have to hide much from her. He could relax for the first time in his life.

He didn't have to be anyone but himself around her, and all the competition of his childhood faded into distant memory. 

 

Amelia was in her tiny kitchen cooking dinner when Loki knocked on her door. He was almost ashamed of himself for the way he trembled all over. He just couldn't seem to stop. When she opened the door and he saw her sweet face, he was afraid he would lose his nerve. She was just so  _perfect_. The way she smiled at him as if he were the only man in the world. The way she held out her hand for him to take, even though they'd just seen each other earlier that morning. 

His heart threatened to break out of his chest as he did just what the old white-haired jeweler had told him. He dropped down on one knee. 

 _It doesn't matter which knee, young man. It's the gesture that counts_. 

 

Amelia's hands flew to her mouth, covering her shocked gasp. Loki hoped it was a  _good_ gasp. 

_Now, tell her you love her. Ask her the question, son. You'll be fine._

 

"Amelia darling, I love you with all my heart. W-will you b-be my wife?" 

Tears fell from her eyes, and once again Loki hoped they were tears of joy. 

_Wait. She might cry. She might need a minute. Let her breathe. Good luck._

 

"Yes! Oh, my...Loki,  _Yes!"_

 

Loki slipped the ring on her finger; watching as she admired the stone. She leapt into his arms, and for a second he thought everything was going to be perfect; he'd finally found his place in the universe. 

Then he felt her body tense; heard her gasp in surprise.

And he saw the unmistakable pillar of light indicating the Bifrost opening. 

 

 

 

 

"Is there a reason you felt the need to  _snatch_ me away from Midgard so quickly, father? I was actually busy," Loki scowled. 

He stood in the throne room facing Odin, who looked incredibly smug. Loki wondered what the old man was up to. He'd never forced  _Thor_ to come home before. 

"You were late. There is a party for you...or did you forget your own name day?" Odin smiled, but the expression didn't reach his eyes. 

Loki was still suspicious, but felt ashamed that he'd actually forgotten. He knew his mother liked to prepare for such occasions for months, and if he was late, she would be heartbroken. 

"I apologize. Time is...different on Midgard. I shall go apologize to mother immediately. When the festivities have ended--" 

His father cut him off, "You will stay here. You have been gone long enough, and you have duties to fulfill." 

Loki started to argue, but Odin held up a hand. There was no changing his mind, and Loki knew it. He would simply have to  _find_ a way to get back to Amelia. 

 

 

Months passed, and Loki fretted over what his love would think. Would she have moved on already? Would she hate him for omitting the truth? Would she be  _terrified_ of him now?

His heart broke considering the possibilities. 

Soon Loki found it impossible to sleep, and he wandered the palace all night, still looking for a way to deceive his father. He didn't realize that Heimdall also had his gaze on him, or that both the watcher and his father knew of his affair with the mortal woman.

In his youthful ignorance, Loki sought out the watcher to ask him what had become of his beloved. 

That was the first time Loki's heart was irreparably broken. 

"There is a great battle on Midgard, Loki. I'm afraid I...cannot see your friend," Heimdall lied. 

Loki staggered away from the Bifrost, afraid to show his true feelings to the other man. If only he'd been able to stay with her, she would still be alive. He could have protected her. He could have taken her away from the danger. He'd thought she had at least a century of life, and now she was  _gone_. And he'd never been able to tell her how very much he loved her. He took the tiny box out of his pants, opened it, and stared at the empty space. He wanted so badly to throw it as far as he could, but something deep inside him wouldn't allow it. So he gently closed the lid and placed it back into his pocket.

There it stayed. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

~There was a tiny box on Loki's nightstand. It was the only thing Loki had insisted upon bringing to the tower when he'd been sent from Asgard. No one knew why he thought it had such great value, but Tony and the rest of the Avengers had looked it over in great detail to make sure it was, in fact, just a box. A ring box with no ring. It was tattered and torn, and the velvet lining was wearing thin where it had been opened and closed so many times over the years. The outside was made of satin, but it had lost its shine long ago and instead bore several thin spots where someone had rubbed their thumb in circles over and over the delicate material. After its initial inspection,  _no one_ was allowed to touch this box.~

 

Loki arrived at the tower in exactly the same manner he'd left New York- in chains and a muzzle. He had to admit that it didn't feel particularly dignified, but at that point he was beyond caring. Nothing about his life was right anymore. It was completely meaningless, and he just wanted to be  _left alone_. But he knew the moment he set foot inside the tower, he would be put through the grinder. Every living soul inside that tower hated him, and rightfully so. He'd attacked their city, threatened to take over their planet, killed 80 of their people- although he thought that number was exaggerated- and killed one of their precious S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. He was undeniably guilty, but he hadn't actually  _wanted_ to do any of that. The problem was, he couldn't tell them. He would just have to face the consequences head on and try to sort out his mess of a life without any help from anyone. 

Thor pulled him into the elevator. He took a deep breath and willed himself to keep his mouth shut. He knew it would be a long day. 

 

 

Hours later, after his grueling interrogation by Nick Fury, Loki was finally released from the chains. The muzzle had come off as soon as he'd stepped off of the elevator. That fact confirmed his suspicion- Thor had only put it on him to humiliate him. It served no purpose. It didn't stop the flow of his Seidr, and it didn't stop him from doing any non-verbal damage. It was only for looks, and that pissed Loki off.

The other thing that had him riled up was the fact that Tony Stark seemed to think he was qualified to go through every personal item Loki had brought from Asgard. It wasn't as if Thor hadn't already done that. Loki was sure Tony was only doing it to make him feel worse, and he was trying very hard not to let it. 

"This is your room, Loki. You are not to step outside this room without notifying me or Jarvis," Tony said. 

Loki nodded. He wanted to tell Stark that he could create enough illusions of himself to populate the entirety of the city, and that keeping him inside this room was an impossibility if he didn't want to stay there. But he kept his mouth shut. 

"Bathroom is down the hall. Steve sleeps next door, so don't make a lot of noise. He'll kick your ass." 

Loki smirked, but still said nothing. 

"We eat breakfast together at eight. That is,  _if_ you eat breakfast.  _Do_ you eat breakfast?" 

If he was honest, Loki would tell Stark that he'd rather just stay inside his room and sleep for the next decade or so- until he forgot at least some of the last year. But that wasn't possible. Sleep eluded him these days. So he simply ignored Tony's question because he figured it was some sarcastic jab he didn't understand. 

"We train at ten. You are expected to be there. Got it, Reindeer Games?" 

Loki glowered at him. He still did not understand the reference Tony was making, but he didn't appreciate it at all. He wanted to tell the man to stop calling him that, but he knew that the second he opened his mouth things would turn very ugly. So instead, he strolled into his room and shut the door behind him. 

A few seconds later, he walked back over to the door and turned the lock.

At least now no one would bother him. 

 

 

Two hours later, there was a knock at the door, and Loki rolled his eyes. He'd been staring at the ceiling hoping to fall asleep, but his body refused. It had been several days since he had been able to sleep and even then it was only for a few hours. 

" _What?_ "

"I have your...trinket." Thor's voice boomed through the door. 

Loki knew what he was referring to, and he got up immediately. It wasn't a  _trinket_. And Thor knew it wasn't. He was simply being cruel for cruelty's sake. 

Loki flung the door open and snatched the little box away from his brother. Thor laughed. 

"I can't believe you're still carrying that thing around. When are you going to let it go, brother? You must know she's long dead now." 

Anger flooded Loki's veins, thick and hot. He squeezed the doorknob hard enough to shatter the metal, but instead of starting a brawl, he slammed the door in Thor's face. 

Loki had never told Thor about his visit with Heimdall. He'd never told his brother that he already knew his love, Amelia, was killed. Thor just assumed that she'd died of old age by the time they were able to go back to Midgard, and Loki didn't have the energy to tell him otherwise. It was almost easier to deal with than telling him the truth. He knew Thor would never understand anyway. He held the tiny box in his palm, stroking the soft satin with his thumb. Loki still remembered every detail of her face, every curve of her body. If only he'd been allowed to marry her, none of this would have happened. 

He set the box on his nightstand and cast a protective spell around it. If anyone dared touch it, he would know. 


	3. Chapter 3

When Thor came back down the hallway, Tony stopped him. 

"What's the deal with the box?" 

Tony wasn't asking about the box because he was concerned. He was asking because he wanted more verbal ammunition against Loki, and Thor wasn't going to participate.  _He_ may mock his brother, but he'd be damned if he allowed the rest of these fools to do the same. It was a strange kind of loyalty, he knew, but that's the kind of relationship they had. 

"It is important to him, and I would appreciate it if you did not pester him about it." 

 

"Well, it doesn't have anything in it. How could it be important?" Tony mused. 

Thor bristled. "It's what  _used_ to be in it that matters."

 

Neither man realized that Loki was laying on his bed listening to everything they said. He'd known Thor couldn't be trusted to keep his secret, and he'd also known that the second he came into the Tower, he would be the butt of everyone's jokes. He just hadn't expected to be mocked for losing the love of his life. 

He stared at the little box. It was so tattered. He knew he could fix it with a wave of his hand, but he didn't. It had been with him through so much. How could he change it? It reminded him of how Amelia might have changed if they'd been married. She would be just as old and weary-looking, but he would love her even more fiercely than ever. Rather than try to change her appearance to suit him, he would change his own so they would match. 

He wondered what had happened to the ring he'd given her. Thor didn't know, but Loki had tried to visit her home when he'd returned to Midgard  _before_ his attack on New York. He'd thought seeing her house might change his mind. He'd thought seeing something he loved so dearly might break the spell Thanos had on him. Even though his mind was not his own, a part of him still tried. But when he saw the empty lot- old wood and beams scattered everywhere- he gave in. He handed himself over completely. It no longer mattered what happened to this garbage planet. Nothing he loved remained. 

He'd knelt in the wreckage knowing he wouldn't find anything, not after all that time. He wondered why nothing had been built there. There was nothing left but the rotted remains of the short, sweet life she'd led. Had the land been taken by authorities? Had it been family owned; cherished as much by them as it was by him? Perhaps no one else could bear the thought of rebuilding there either. He walked around sifting through dirt and splintered wood trying to find  _one tiny momento_. Just one. But he found nothing. 

 

 

Loki spent his days training with the Avengers, but his heart wasn't in it. Of course it wasn't. He had no business training with heroes. He'd tried to end their world. The only reason he was there at all was because Odin thought he needed to pay for what he'd done. And his adoptive father didn't want to look at him, so he'd sent him away. Loki suspected Odin hoped he'd be killed in battle on Midgard. That way, he could tell everyone his son had done  _something_ worth a damn. 

At night, he curled up on his bed and desperately tried not to think. His mind was no longer his own. All he saw when he closed his eyes was Chitauri warriors, the Other's disgusting hand, and his Amelia's horrified face. What would she say about him now? She most certainly wouldn't say  _yes_. He'd thought whoever had pulled the trigger or dropped the bomb that killed his Amelia was the worst person imaginable, but he had been wrong. If he was standing beside that person, she would probably hate him far more, and that made him sick. In his mind, he could see his sweet Amelia looking down from Valhalla, knowing what kind of monster he'd become. 

 

 

Days stretched into weeks, and weeks stretched into months, and nothing changed. Every morning, Loki dragged himself out of bed just in time for training, but never in time for breakfast. At first, the others enjoyed hurtling insults at him in the hallways or during training, but when he failed to respond, they stopped. He didn't even bother looking in their direction. They couldn't possibly say anything to him that hurt any worse than the things he told himself. Thor tried to talk to him, but Loki lashed out at him. He didn't need his idiotic brother coming into his room all the time irritating the Hel out of him. 

Whenever the Avengers left for missions, Loki was pleased to find himself mostly alone at the tower. He knew he was under tight surveillance because Stark's building spoke to him all day long. It was quite annoying, but at least he could ask it questions if he so chose. At first, the disembodied voice alarmed him, but after he got used to it, he ignored it. 

One mission in particular stretched on for so long that Loki thought he would be left there alone forever. He began to fantasize about what he would do with Stark tower if it were his, but his fantasy was short-lived because Jarvis announced their return later that day. 

"Mr Stark has asked that I inform you of the Avengers' return. He wanted me to let you know there will be another person joining them. Please be on your best behavior. His words, not mine." 

Loki scoffed at the AI's words.  _Who could possibly be arriving with them?_  

He didn't really give a damn, but he was intrigued that they had gone to another country and brought someone back with them. 

 

 

In some ways, it seemed Bucky, aka The Winter Soldier, was angrier and more cynical than he was, and Loki found himself almost  _drawn_ to the guy. Unfortunately, Steve didn't want Loki anywhere near him. Evidently, they were an item, or Steve wanted them to be, and Steve thought Loki would be a bad influence on him. Loki couldn't help laughing at the suggestion. Anyone who had been broken by Hydra was definitely not going to be  _influenced_ by him. 

The two of them passed each other in the hallway, and Loki would nod at Bucky, and Bucky would grunt in return. Neither of them spoke, but they seemed to recognize that they were both  _other_. Not heroes. Not Avengers. Just there to be watched.  

Bucky stayed with Steve, so Loki observed him from afar, taking in his habits, watching how he behaved around Stark, and he finally realized that Bucky was just as miserable as he was. A kindred spirit. 

 

Steve remained constantly vigilant around Loki until one night when Bucky suffered a terrible nightmare, and Loki was the only person who could help him. 

Loki woke to the sounds of yelling in the bedroom next door. He was beyond annoyed until he realized that he recognized the sounds he was hearing. Thrashing, groaning, gnashing of teeth- and Steve's panicked voice calling for Jarvis. Loki was reluctant to even step out of his room, afraid someone would blame  _him_ for the disruption, but he thought he might be able to help. It was the first time in a very long time that he'd even considered himself or his abilities helpful. 

"Is he hurt?" Loki murmured as he entered the soldiers' room. 

Steve's stricken face almost made Loki feel sorry for him.

"No, he's having one of those nightmares, but I can't seem to wake him. He's going to hurt himself. I need to get Bruce or Tony. He needs medication." 

Loki held his hands up and stepped closer, noticing Steve's flinch. 

"I will not harm him. Will you allow me to help?" 

The soldier's breath caught in his throat as he considered Loki's offer. Loki knew Steve couldn't possibly trust him, but Bucky wasn't getting better, and he  _knew_ he could stop this. 

"I can fix this, Steve. Just let me near him. I won't even  _touch_ him." 

Loki watched the soldier take a deep breath. As he let it out, he nodded and closed his eyes as if he had agreed to something horrible. 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Loki held his hands as close to Bucky's head as he could without actually touching him. Steve watched closely as Loki's hands glowed with a soft green light, and his eyes focused intensely on Bucky's face. He had initially been concerned for Bucky's safety, but as he watched Loki's expressions, he realized that the god was actually trying to help. 

Bucky was still thrashing and talking loudly, but Steve couldn't understand what he was saying. He wanted to ask Loki if _he_ could, but it seemed that Loki was concentrating exceptionally hard on his task. 

"He's having a flashback..." Loki muttered, breathing heavily. 

Steve noticed that Loki was gritting his teeth and squinting, and he wondered if Loki could actually  _see_ what was happening inside Bucky's mind. Loki's expression quickly morphed from neutral to  _horrified_ in less than a few seconds, but he didn't say why. Steve assumed it had something to do with what might be going on inside Bucky's dreams. 

Bucky didn't speak about his dreams often. He didn't like to upset Steve, even though Steve wanted to support him as much as he could. Steve always felt guilty that Bucky had been the one who'd gotten captured. He'd always felt it was his fault. 

"I'm going to try to make contact with him. It's the only way to help him get rid of these for good." 

It was obvious to Steve that Loki wasn't doing well, but he knew Loki would never admit it. He'd seen Loki train in the hot sun until he was almost unable to stand, even though he technically wasn't supposed to be doing such heavy work during the heat of the day. Fury had insisted he do everything the rest of the team did, even though his Jotun heritage could cause him to become violently ill. Loki was  _determined_ not to show his weaknesses to anyone. Thor had warned the team about that one because he was afraid Fury wouldn't watch him closely enough. 

The longer Loki held his glowing hands around Bucky's face, the more exhausted he seemed to Steve, until he finally let go with a loud sigh. 

"He should wake soon. If he asks who I am, send him to my room. I will explain what happened and why I was there. I need to...rest." 

 

_Bucky was back there again. Strapped to a table next to several others. Screams permeated the air as the Hydra scientists casually strolled around them, observing their reactions to each fresh torture. He knew what was coming. He knew what they were about to do, but he couldn't seem to wake up. He never could. It happened to him over and over again, night after night. He turned his head to see the lead scientist coming toward him with the device, but instead of a white coat, he saw black leather. Who...?_

_"James. This is only a dream. You must wake yourself up. Open your eyes."_

_"They're already open."_

_"Open them wider, Barnes. That is the only way you're getting..."  he looked over toward one of the others before continuing, and his face turned whiter than usual, "out of this..."_

**_"Open them, James. Open your_ ** _**eyes."**_

 

 

Bucky had stopped thrashing around, and he hadn't uttered a word in several minutes, so Steve simply sat by the bed waiting for him to wake. He wondered how Loki had managed such a feat without the use of medications. The last time Bucky had suffered such nightmares, Dr Banner had shot him up with Valium to stop him from hurting himself. 

"Steve?" Bucky's hoarse voice came out of the darkness. "Where is he? Where's Loki?" 

 

 

 

Loki went back to his room; his mind a confusing mass of pain and anguish- not only from _what_ he saw in Bucky's nightmare, but  _who_ he saw. He wasn't sure if he had imagined her though. She had seemed so real, as if he could reach out and touch her. But she seemed different somehow; harder, less innocent. Her eyes shown with something akin to brutality. He had never known her to be that way before. That was one of the things he'd loved about her; her sweet innocence. If she wasn't a figment of his desperate imagination, what had happened to her? Had they tortured her so much that she had lost herself? Had they changed her completely? Was she alive physically, but still dead inside? 

A knock on the door came much sooner than he expected, and he tried to pull himself together before getting up to let Bucky in. He had to stop himself from hitting the soldier with a barrage of questions the second he came inside. Otherwise, he may not get the answers he was looking for. 

As Loki answered the door, he noticed that Bucky no longer gave him a suspicious glare. A quiet curiosity lit his face instead. 

"Loki?" His voice was unsteady, which was expected. 

"James." 

"What...how did you...?" 

"Why don't you sit down? I can explain." 

Bucky sat in the chair next to Loki's extensive book collection. He listened with wide eyes as Loki explained how he'd used his seidr to enter Bucky's mind, effectively stopping his flashback and waking him from his nightmare. The only drawback was that Loki had now experienced part of Bucky's flashback, and he wished he hadn't. He had only ever used that ability once before, and it had been in a dire situation, so he felt he needed to explain himself. 

"Don't apologize. At least I got out of there this time," Bucky said. 

Loki's head cocked to the side in question, and Bucky looked as if he wished he hadn't said anything. 

"I usually have to go through the entire...scene...before I can wake up. It's...not pleasant." 

Loki flinched when he remembered the other soldiers' screams. He was glad he hadn't seen or heard  _hers._

"Bucky, who were the others?" 

"They never told me their names. Hydra doesn't tell their prisoners who they are," he said bitterly. 

"No, I mean the other soldiers." 

Loki knew he was asking for trouble, risking upsetting the soldier, but he _had_ to know. He had to know if his Amelia had been one of them. Bucky's face went blank for a moment, and Loki worried he had triggered something in the soldier's memories; something he didn't want to trigger. 

"Well, there was Alexei. He died almost immediately following the conversion...something in his DNA. Then there was Vasily, who killed two guards and was hunted down. I don't know what ever happened to him. And this girl...she was so pretty. I don't know how they ever got her. She didn't belong there." 

Loki's heart was beating in his throat. He was dying to know what had happened to her... _just tell me her name._  

"Her name was...Amy? No...Amy Lee? No. Damn. I thought I would remember that name forever." 

" _Amelia_ ," Loki whispered. 

Bucky looked up at Loki; his mouth open in shock. He stood up and began to walk toward the door. 

"How the hell did you know that?" 

"No, don't leave," Loki begged. "What happened to her? Is she dead?" 

Bucky stood with his shaking hand on the doorknob as Loki waited for his answer. Loki didn't move, speak, or even  _breathe_. He was trying to lure a frightened animal to him; a deer that held his entire life in the balance. 

"Tell me how you know her," Bucky demanded. 

 

If Loki knew that girl's name, he was hiding something far worse than his reason for trying to take over New York. Bucky was trembling from head to toe. He couldn't  _believe_ he had allowed this. He had come so far- only to fall right back into another one of Hydra's traps. Loki _had_ to be involved with them. There was no other explanation for his knowledge. Bucky knew that Loki couldn't have figured out who she was based on his nightmare alone. He wanted to run out the door, back to Steve's waiting arms. But something in Loki's eyes made him stay. Something in his expression told him there was more, and Bucky needed to know what it was. 

Bucky gritted his teeth.

" _Tell me how you know her._ "

 

Loki held out his hands in a placating gesture. 

"Easy, Barnes. I'm not- I'm not Hydra. I may have tried to take over the planet, but I'm not a _joiner_." 

Loki sighed heavily and pointed to the box on his nightstand. 

"Do you see that box? That box used to hold the ring that I gave her when I proposed to her. Before the war supposedly killed her."

"Bucky,  _is she dead?"_

 

Bucky took a deep breath, steadying his nerves. 

"No." 

 

Loki couldn't breathe. He staggered backwards and sat down hard on the edge of his bed. Amelia was  _alive_. And evidently, she'd been remade...just like Barnes. Loki had far more questions than answers, and his mind couldn't cope with the onslaught of emotions. 

"Are you alright, man?" Loki heard Bucky ask him the question, but he couldn't answer. All he could think about was Amelia...strapped to that table being tortured. 

 _Heimdall lied_. 

Loki flung his arms out, and several objects flew across the room, smashing against the walls. 

"Woah, dude... calm down. It's okay. She's... okay. She escaped." 


	5. Chapter 5

Loki was silent for several minutes, and Bucky wondered if he should just leave. He didn't know what Loki was capable of. He'd only heard Steve talking about the things that had happened when Loki had tried to take over New York. He stood still though, because if there was one thing Bucky didn't do, it was judge other people by their past actions. Who was  _he_ to judge anyone, really? He had been an assassin. He'd killed...so many people. He didn't like to think of them, but he didn't allow himself not to. It seemed too cruel to forget them when so many of their loved ones never would. 

Loki raised his head, looking up at him with what appeared to be tears in his eyes. 

"If I had known she was alive, none of this would have happened."

Loki sat in silence for a few moments thinking about all the mistakes he'd made- mistakes he wouldn't have made if Amelia had been there with him.

"Are you certain? Are you certain they haven't tracked her down and murdered her like a dog? Because I can't carry that hope around with me only to have it crushed again. I- I don't know what I would do. You can see that I am not stable." 

Bucky  _was certain_ she was alive. He'd seen her just before the Avengers had come for him. In fact, she had helped him find a suitable place to hide. He was afraid to tell Loki though. He didn't want Loki to think that they had been involved in any way. They were strictly platonic. She wouldn't have it any other way. 

"Loki, I know she's alive. She was the one who helped me get in contact with Steve without being traced by Hydra's spies. She's damn brilliant." 

 

 

Everything that had happened from the moment Loki found out about Amelia's death had been  _because_ of Amelia's death.

Loki realized with absolute clarity that he never would have done so many reckless things if he'd thought there was any chance she was alive somewhere. He never would have ruined Thor's coronation. He didn't care about it  _that_ much. He was just hurting so much that he wanted everyone else to be miserable too.

And when he found out that he  _wasn't even part of the family_? That had been the last nail in his coffin. He wanted to die right along with her. That's why he'd let go on the Bifrost. All he could think about was getting to his love as quickly as possible. And then he couldn't even kill himself properly. He'd failed at that too.

Now that he thought about it, he realized that what he'd really been looking for when he went to her home that day before his arrival in New York was something- anything- to hold onto. He just needed tangible proof that she had existed at all. He knew his sanity hung by a thread, and he sometimes wondered if she had been a dream. A wonderful, beautiful dream. Someone who loved him exactly the way he was seemed too good to be true. Could she love him still? Even though he was not from her world, and definitely not human? Could she love him even though she was probably a trained killer? 

 

"Bucky, what did they do to her?" 

 

Bucky didn't know what to say. They'd done the same thing to her that they did to him, but he had a feeling it had been quite a bit worse. She was  _strong_ , even before her conversion. He wondered if Loki knew just how strong. She'd resisted them more than any of the others had. Of course in the end they'd broken her just as they'd broken everyone else. 

He didn't know if he should tell Loki how much she had suffered, or how hard she had fought. 

"Loki, I- I don't think you really want to know any of that. She's safe now. As safe as any of us are." 

"No. I want to know. What happened to her, James? Is she...different now? Would she remember me at all?" 

Bucky walked over to where Loki sat on the edge of his bed. 

"She was very resistant. She fought them every step. They hurt her, and she did everything in her power to hurt them right back. Loki, she was  _tough_. But in the end, they broke her too. Did you know how strong she was? When I saw her, I wondered why they chose her. She seemed so small and sweet. But I was  _so wrong._ " 

Loki was too horrified to be proud of his little mortal. She was strong, but he'd had no idea she was strong enough to take on Hydra agents. What had she been hiding from him? Why did Hydra take her in the first place? 

"What if they took her because- because she  _saw_ me leave through the Bifrost? What if they wanted access to it, and they took her because of  _me_?" 

Loki's wide, panicked eyes made Bucky take a few steps away from him. He didn't want to be in the way if the god decided to fling a few more items across the room. Bucky wasn't sure why Hydra came after her, but he knew she had been an 'asset.' He'd heard them call her that many times, he just didn't know why. 

"Loki, I don't think that's the only reason they took her. Actually, I don't think that would be their reason at all. She was special. They wanted her for some other reason..." 

Bucky was trying- and failing- to make Loki feel better. He didn't want Loki to think it was his fault that Amelia had been captured by Hydra. There was absolutely  _nothing_ he could do about it now, so Bucky didn't want to make things worse by speculating. 

 _"Don't you think I know she was special, James?!"_ Loki snapped. "Now, tell me what they  _did_. I can't stand the idea of her suffering, but I can't  _not_ know about it either. I have never stopped loving her, even though I thought she was  _dead_." 

 

Bucky started to back away, but Loki suddenly grabbed him, forcing him into a sitting position. Loki's hands grasped the soldier's face, and he was searching through Bucky's memories before he could make another sound of protest. 

The first thing he saw was his Amelia's face, which made perfect sense considering they'd just been talking about her. She was huddling in a cave trying to keep warm, and Loki's stomach lurched. He couldn't bear the thought of her living that way. She deserved far better. Bucky was talking to her, but she was absentmindedly stoking a campfire; her eyes sparkling as the light hit them just right. She looked different, but not like a supersoldier assassin. She looked...frightened. Loki had the most dire urge to hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright. 

 

He dug a little deeper into the soldier's mind, and he noticed that Bucky had relaxed against him. It was both awkward and strangely comforting to have someone that close. 

The next memory made Loki cringe. He watched through Bucky's eyes as Amelia waited until all of the guards were gone from their concrete prison. She pretended to be asleep or knocked out from their last round of torture, but Bucky knew she wasn't. No one could sleep after what they had done to her. As soon as she knew they were gone, she glanced around with fire in her eyes and ripped through the leather cuffs that bound her to her bed. Loki wasn't even sure  _he_ would be able to do that. Hydra had made her into a supersoldier, just like Bucky. 

Loki smiled for the first time since he'd arrived at the tower. He had never imagined his Amelia would become such a formidable fighter, but he couldn't deny that the thought turned him on. 

That was it. He'd watched her escape. Bucky had been right. He  _should_ have left Bucky's mind then, but he didn't. He had to know what they had done to her. 

 

Loki searched through scrambled thoughts and memories until he found something that he might be able to understand. It seemed many of Bucky's memories were garbled and unclear. He wondered if that was because of the serum or the torture. The next time he saw Amelia, she was lying on a table; her hair a matted mess, and her skin paler than he'd ever seen it. She looked like she'd died several days prior, but her eyes were open and she was whispering to Bucky. Her voice was hoarse, and Loki had the urge to hunt down every Hydra agent he could find and torture them to death. 

_"We have to get out of here, James. I don't know what they want, but...they're going to kill us."_

Bucky didn't say anything back because one of the agents walked in and caught her speaking. She nearly jumped out of her skin as he started toward her. Suddenly, the man was standing above her, strapping a device over her face. He threw a switch, and her body went rigid. She screamed and screamed, and Loki felt tears run down his face. When the man finally stopped the device, Amelia lay unconscious. 

 

"Alright, Bucky...I've had enough. I- I'm sorry. I can't bear it. I have to go find her." 

 

Bucky slowly lifted his head from where he lay in Loki's lap. He hadn't realized he had leaned over, and he certainly hadn't meant to get so cozy. His eyes were unfocused as he looked up at Loki's face. 

"You--you  _broke into my mind!_ You  _forced_ me to give up those memories! What the hell, man? I was trying to protect you from that shit! No one needs to see that! Do you hear me?  _No one._ If Amelia was here, she would agree with me. You don't need to know what happened to us! It's  _fucked up_ , and you don't need that shit in your head!"

Loki was surprised to see that Bucky was angrily pacing the floor in front of him. He was clearly very pissed off, but Loki didn't think he was going to leave. There was something in his eyes that made Loki think he might not be as angry as he was acting.

He waited for the soldier to take a few deep breaths. 

"James, aren't you tired of being alone? I know you haven't told Steve what happened to you. You don't want him to worry. As you said, you don't want him having those images in his mind. But I'm already ruined. I already have nightmares. How do you think I knew how to stop yours? Nothing in your mind can hurt me. I just want my Amelia safe and in my arms, and if you will help me, I think I can help you too." 

"Oh yeah? How the hell do you plan on convincing the rest of those assholes to let you leave this tower to go and get her? Did you think of that before you decided to rummage through my head?" 

 

 

A few hours later, after Loki had spoken with Bucky at length about where Amelia was, and how they could get to her without being seen, Bucky returned to his shared room with Steve. He knew that convincing Steve to go help another ex-assassin wouldn't be the problem. Convincing Steve to help her because  _Loki_ loved her would be the problem. So Bucky decided not to tell Steve that Loki knew her at all. 

Of course, Steve wanted to know why Amelia hadn't come with them when they had rescued Bucky.

The truth was, Amelia had been terrified of the Avengers. She thought they might be just another undercover branch of Hydra, and if it hadn't been for Steve, he would have thought the same. It had broken Bucky's heart to leave her there, but he had waited so long to find Steve again, he couldn't stay. And now that he was safe and she was out there hiding in a cave, he had felt terrible shame and guilt for leaving her behind. He should have just dragged her out of there. He should have  _forced_ her to come with them. But when he remembered how dangerous she was, he realized that would not have been possible. She probably would have taken out at least half of their team. Bucky couldn't have risked Steve's life that way. Not for someone who didn't even want to be saved. 

God, he hoped Loki never found  _that_ information in his head. 

"You realize that going back out there is a huge risk. Fury probably won't allow it, especially if there are Hydra agents looking for her," Steve whispered. 

Bucky nodded. He also knew that Amelia would put up one hell of a fight.  _Unless_ they brought Loki along and she actually remembered him. He wondered if she still knew what he looked like. Then he remembered that he never forgot Steve, no matter how many times they wiped his memories.

Steve was his only constant. Steve was the one thing that kept him grounded. 

Did Amelia feel that way about Loki? Was Loki the one she'd stayed alive for? Was he the one she had remembered through all of the mind wiping and torture? Did she picture Loki's face when she felt like she couldn't take one more breath?

Was Loki her Steve?

If so, they needed Loki to bring her back. Otherwise, she would probably kill every last one of them. 

Bucky took a deep breath before finally admitting why they needed to go get her. 

"She's Loki's fiance'e." 

The expression on Steve's face was almost comical.

"I'm sorry.  _What?"_

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Steve and Bucky were interrupted by Loki's insistent banging on their door.

"You pretended you didn't remember her name!  _Why did you do that if you just saw her days ago, James?!"_

 Bucky opened the door to find Loki standing there with an angry scowl on his face. 

"Do you even  _know_ her, really? Or are you just screwing with my mind like everyone else on this godsforsaken planet?"

 

"Loki, you  _saw_ her in my memories. I didn't make it up. I pretended I didn't know her name because you seemed so interested in her, and I didn't know why. How was I to know  _you_ weren't a spy?"

"What about the others? Vasily? Sergei? You were fine telling me  _their_ names! Or were they not as important to you? Did you have a little crush on my Amelia?"

 

Bucky could see that the situation was spinning wildly out of control, but he couldn't stop himself from making it infinitely worse. It was pissing him off that Loki thought he should just automatically trust him after everything the god had seen inside his head. 

"Of course I wasn't  _fine_ telling you their names! I didn't even  _know_ their names. I made them up! I was testing you. And I baited you with that 'Amy...Amy Lee' bullshit just to see if you'd bite. How can you really expect me to trust you without question after everything you saw inside my brain, Loki? How can you expect me to blindly trust  _anyone_ after the things that were done to me? I'm fucked up, man. Now get the fuck out of our room before I change my mind about helping you!" 

 

Loki didn't argue. He didn't need to. It all made sense to him now. Of course the soldier had lied about the other captives' names. How could he have possibly remembered any of them? 

 

"And I  _didn't have a crush on Amelia!_ She was completely untouchable," Bucky yelled after him as he walked back to his room feeling more than a little chagrined. 

That made him smile though.  _She was completely untouchable_. Maybe she did remember him, after all. At one time, she'd told him she would never love another man, even if he stopped loving her. Of course, that would have been impossible. Amelia was everything to him. He remembered telling her that; telling her she would never have to worry about  _that_. And she would change her statement-  _well, if the worst happened- if you d-died, I wouldn't find anyone else. You're it for me._ He'd wanted to tell her that she didn't have to worry about that either; that she would be the one leaving him, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth. He was always afraid she would change her mind if she knew who he really was. 

 

 

When Bucky turned around, Steve was standing beside their bed, totally slack-jawed. 

"I can't  _believe_ he came in here all pissed off that I didn't trust  _him_ right away! Who the fuck does he think he is? I mean- " 

Bucky was breathing hard and shaking with rage. He never allowed himself to get so angry because he wasn't completely certain what would happen. What if he snapped? What if the code words weren't the only way to activate the killer? 

Steve stopped him. "Buck, calm down. You guys are both pretty worked up right now, and from an outsider's point of view, you're angry for the same reasons. He's mad because you didn't trust him. You're mad because he expected you to trust him. And neither of you trusts the other- for  _good reason_. He's Loki. You're...you. I'm...sorry. That sounded bad. I just mean-"

"I know what you mean." 

Bucky trudged over to Steve and let his head fall into the other man's chest. It was a gesture he'd made many times before. Steve knew that meant Bucky had  _had_ it for the evening. He was done talking to people, and he just needed to be held. No judgement. No talk of war or the Winter Soldier or Captain America. He just needed to be Bucky Barnes, and he needed his lover Steve Rogers. 

Steve knew exactly how to make Bucky feel better- to calm his racing thoughts and pull him back to reality. 

As they lay in bed with Steve's arms wrapped tightly around Bucky's waist, Steve asked the one question that had been burning in his gut since Loki had left their room. 

"So, you didn't have a crush on that girl?" 

Bucky snorted. 

"No. She really was untouchable. I didn't even think she  _liked_ men...or women for that matter. She gives off this vibe, like she would take your head off for even thinking impure thoughts about her. I wonder if Loki put some juju on her," he mused aloud. 

Steve laughed, but he thought it was a good possibility. Bucky had rarely talked about his time away, and Steve knew why, but he'd always wondered if Bucky had any other lovers. Or even thought of others that way. He remembered how Bucky was before- before Steve had been willingly remade into Captain America, and Bucky had been unwillingly remade into the Winter Soldier. Bucky had been quite the lady's man. Steve had been way out of his element, but Bucky always made sure Steve had a date even if the woman was only going along so she could be around Bucky.

If Steve had been honest back then,  _he_ was only going along to be around Bucky. He'd had fun on their double dates, but when Bucky and his date had gone quiet- kissing and... _other things_ \- his night often became very depressing. 

After mourning the love of his life and spending years wondering what he could have done differently, Steve beat himself up daily for not simply telling Bucky how he felt. And when they found each other again, he wasted no time. It would be an understatement to say that he was shocked to find that Bucky felt the same way. 

"Was there  _anyone_ who--"

Bucky rolled over to face Steve before he even finished his question. 

"You. There was no one else for me." He sighed heavily before adding, "That's why I think we have to help Loki get Amelia back. She didn't want anyone else either. Loki is... Loki is her Steve."

Steve wasn't sure how he felt about being compared with Loki. Actually, he knew  _exactly_ how he felt about being compared with Loki, but he knew what Bucky was trying to say. 

"Yeah, but we didn't know Loki when she knew him. How much has he changed? Was he a total psychopath back then? I just can't see how anyone could love him..." 

Bucky raised his eyebrows at Steve. "You love  _me_. And I'd wager Loki is less likely to go on a killing spree than I am."

Steve shook his head. "But you don't even know what you're doing! You're- you're a victim, Buck. You--" 

"And you're rationalizing. The point is, everyone deserves someone, Steve. Even Loki." 

 

 

Loki was surprised to see Steve at his door the next morning. The soldier knocked twice before simply opening the door and letting himself in. He supposed he shouldn't be bothered. Stark had told him that he did not have the luxury of privacy anymore, but he was still quite annoyed. He'd always had privacy before because no one seemed to care what he was doing. He was not interesting enough- or important enough- to have unwanted visitors. The only person who ever bothered coming to his chambers to check on him was his mother. 

"Loki." 

It was less than a greeting, but more than Loki expected. Actually, he'd expected a fist to his nose. 

"Captain," Loki replied. He tried to keep the snark to a bare minimum. 

"I guess we need to talk." 

Loki wasn't sure if they were going to talk about his explosion at Bucky, or if they were going to talk about what Loki had seen inside Bucky's nightmare, but he didn't feel like talking. 

"I don't think we do. I will apologize to James, but I do not think I owe you anything." 

"It's not about that, Loki. It's about how we're going to get the two of you out of here so you can go get that girl." 


	7. Chapter 7

The plan was more complicated than Loki had ever imagined. He'd known that Stark had every square inch of the tower under constant surveillance, but he didn't realize that both he and Bucky had been fitted with some kind of  _device_ as well. Basically, if they wanted to go get Amelia, they would either have to convince Stark to allow them to leave, or someone would have to create such a disturbance that Stark never noticed their disappearance. Loki thought either plan was far-fetched and the second was likely to get them put in prison. He didn't care. He needed his girl. 

Steve thought they should at least talk to Stark before making any rash decisions, but Loki wasn't sure. Tony had treated him like an animal. He didn't  _blame_ him, exactly, but he didn't think Stark would actually give a damn about his soulmate being lost in a cave somewhere. 

"She could be a real asset to the team," Steve muttered. 

Loki could feel the heat rising to his face, but he couldn't stop himself from blowing up. 

"She is  _not_ one of your soldiers! She just escaped some kind of prison where  _Hydra_ was using her for that, and now you want to use her for  _the same thing? No!"_  

Steve flinched as a book flew off of Loki's shelf and crashed to the floor. That seemed to be happening more and more lately. Every time Loki became the slightest bit irritated, his Seidr flowed beyond his control. It was as if not using his magic was making him more vulnerable to accidents. 

"I wasn't suggesting that at all. You  _know_ how I feel about them using Bucky that way. What I  _am_ suggesting is that we tell Stark that she has certain skills. Skills that the team could use. That could help us, Loki." 

Loki was already shaking his head. He wouldn't stand for it. His Amelia deserved better. She deserved to be treated like the princess he knew her to be, not some trained killer. 

"If you can't think of something better, I will break out of here myself and go alone. I will not have her being used."

" _Okay, okay_ ," Steve whispered, "I'll present it to Tony in a different way. What if I told him that Amelia was  _Bucky's_ friend? Someone he knew during the war? Someone who could potentially cause problems for the team if they don't allow us to go get her?" 

"And you think Tony will go for  _that_? Couldn't this fictional friend of Bucky's do just as much damage on the inside, if not more? And there's no  _way_ Tony will allow me to leave with you if he thinks she'll come along without my assistance." 

 

Steve had to admit that Loki was right. If nothing else, the brooding god was brilliant. Nothing slipped past him. But where did that leave them? Sneaking out of the tower and possibly- no  _definitely_ \- being knocked out of the sky by one of Stark's suits? 

"You're right. I'll have to think of something else." 

When Steve left Loki's room, Loki knew the soldier was up to something. No one ever acquiesced to him that quickly. He usually had to threaten them with pain or death first. He decided to use his magic to eavesdrop on Steve. He just hoped the soldier wasn't going straight to his room to 'think of something else' with his lover. 

 

Steve had already decided to speak with Stark about the plan. Loki was right about a few things: Stark wouldn't let him go if they didn't play their cards right. And Steve would have to paint a very careful picture of Amelia if he wanted Stark to go for the plan. Amelia would have to be a sympathetic character. Someone who wasn't capable of destroying an organization from the inside. Someone who wasn't in love with the god who had tried to destroy New York. 

 

Steve knew that talking with Tony one-on-one was his best strategy. Stark tended to take things a lot more seriously when he didn't have a crowd of people to entertain. Tony was always awake all night. Steve didn't think the man ever slept. On any given night, he could be found in his lab building or re-building suits and other gadgets he thought they might need someday. When Steve walked in, Tony was swearing under his breath at a tiny piece of metal that one of his robots was holding. 

"Tony- I need to see you... privately." 

"Can't get much more private than this. Three o'clock in the morning in my lab. What's up old man?"

Steve explained that Bucky had woken from a nightmare a few hours ago, and that he'd admitted his friendship with Amelia, which was technically true. He also explained that Amelia was one of Hydra's  _assets_ , and that she was hiding in a cave somewhere in the Alps. That was also true. The lies started when Tony wanted to know why Steve needed to take Loki with him to retrieve the girl. Steve didn't like lying to his friends, but he knew that the thought of Amelia being all alone in a cave was distressing to Bucky, and he thought that having Amelia back just  _might_ help Loki change for the better.

"Well, Bucky is afraid that Hydra has found out where she is hiding. He thinks that the moment we send our people to get her, they will send someone to attack the tower- or something like that. It's not that far-fetched, Stark. And Bucky is a pretty reliable source when it comes to Hydra's operations. He knows their inner workings well. It's a crude plan, but you have to admit it sounds like something they would do." 

Stark looked unconvinced. "Yeah, but they can't have that many agents left. I mean, how have they even survived after all this time? Are you sure Bucky isn't just suffering from PTSD?" 

It rankled Steve that everyone in the tower seemed to discount Bucky's intelligence by passing everything off as PTSD or some other mental illness. Bucky wasn't crazy. He'd just suffered a  _lot_. A lot more than the rest of them. He sometimes wondered if the others were jealous that Bucky had received so much attention since he'd been brought to the tower. However, now was not the time to start arguing with Tony. Now was the time to convince him that this was the right thing to do. 

"You'd be surprised how many of them are still out there, Stark. New ones. Hydra has no trouble recruiting." 

"Listen, Bucky has told me all about this girl. She's alone, she's terrified, and she doesn't deserve to be left out there to die. Buck tried to convince her to come with us when we came for him, but she was too afraid to show herself. I don't think bringing the entire team will help that at all. I think she would resort to fighting, and from the way Bucky described her, we definitely don't want that. She's desperate, and desperate people do things that normal people would never even  _consider_ doing." 

Tony lowered his voice. "So you want to take  _Loki_ with you? So you don't leave us down a few fighters? Do you know how crazy that sounds?" 

Steve shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. "I can handle him." 

 

 

As soon as Steve started back toward his own room to speak with Bucky about the new plan, he was forcefully pulled into Loki's room. As he fought for dominance, Loki's grip on his arm grew tighter and tighter until he could no longer feel his fingertips. Suddenly, Loki's hand was wrapped around his throat, and he was slammed against the wall. 

" _Stop. I don't want to hurt you, fool._ " 

Steve found that difficult to believe, especially since Loki was gritting his teeth and snarling. But he stopped trying to fight for the moment. He could always give the god a false sense of security and redouble his efforts as soon as Loki let his guard down. 

Loki shook him like a rag doll, and he almost changed his mind.  

"Why did you talk to Stark? Why did you tell him Amelia was Bucky's friend, even after I told you that  _would not work_? Did you ever stop to think about what would happen when she came here, and Stark learned of our history?" 

Loki had loosened his grip on Steve's throat, and Steve was grateful for that. He had begun to feel slightly woozy, and he wasn't sure he would have been conscious for much longer. 

"Loki, you have to understand. It was the only way to convince Stark to let us go alone without having to worry about being hunted down by the Avengers. When they realized I had escaped with  _both_ of their most volatile residents, what do you think would have happened? Now, would you please let me go so we can talk like civilized people?" 

Loki let out a disgusted noise and threw his hands up. Yet another object flew from one of the shelves. Once again, Steve was grateful that it landed in the middle of the floor. 

Steve took a deep breath, knowing this conversation was going to be tough. 

"Listen, the only way this will work is if you can keep your history a secret. At least for a little while. You and I both know that neither Fury nor Tony would give a damn about your love life." 

 

Though Loki knew Steve was right, he still hated the idea of having to keep his and Amelia's history a secret. He'd waited so long, and now he would have to pretend he didn't even  _know_ her? 

"I've waited for over 70 years. How am I supposed to pretend I'm not in love with her? How am I supposed to keep  _that_ a secret? How would you feel if you were in my place? In my mind, she was  _dead_. Everything I've done, everything I've become...it's all because I had no hope of a future. And now--" 

Loki stopped abruptly, as if he'd just realized he was saying those things aloud. His face clouded with an unreadable expression, and Steve didn't know what to say. His thoughts drifted to the time when he thought Bucky had died. He remembered how he felt when he found out his best friend was still alive. He would have moved all of the planets in the solar system just to get him to safety. Would  _he_ have pretended he and Bucky didn't know each other just to appease someone else? No. No, he didn't think he would. 

"Loki, I--" 

His intended apology was interrupted by Bucky bursting through the door. 

"What the hell is going on in here?! I heard a bunch of noise and then almost dead silence, and...  _what are you two up to?"_

Steve chuckled. "It's okay, sweetheart. We were just talking about the plan. Loki was upset that I went to talk with Stark." 

" _Wait_ \- How did you even  _know_?" Steve's head whipped around as he realized that Loki must have been spying on him. 

Loki smirked, but didn't bother answering. 

"Can we go back to bed now?" Bucky yawned.

Loki nodded and smiled, and Steve grasped Bucky's hand, rubbing his thumb across the other man's knuckles as they left the room. Loki watched with a stab of envy and longing. It was difficult for him to allow himself the luxury of hope. Hope was something he hadn't had in a very long time, and if he allowed himself that and everything went to Hel, he didn't know what he might do. He'd already proven that he was nearly impossible to kill, so that wasn't an option. Imagining the sheer heartbreak and rage he would feel if she wasn't alright, or if she didn't remember him...he couldn't bear it. 

That night, for the first time in decades, Loki dreamed of something other than war, Thanos, or those heart-stopping hours falling through the abyss. He dreamed of his Amelia. He dreamed of her standing at her kitchen counter smiling at him. He dreamed of her wrapping her arms around him, still accepting him for exactly who he was even after everything he'd done. He dreamed of holding her tightly against his chest as she slept. He dreamed of kissing her eyelids and watching her smile in her slumber. 

He woke more frightened than he had when he'd dreamed of being tortured. He'd inadvertently allowed himself to hope for her safe return, and hope was worse than a death sentence for someone like him- someone who was destined for misery. 

 

 

"So what's the plan?" 

Steve wasn't entirely sure how Bucky would react to any of this. Some days, Bucky was  _almost_ normal- like the old Bucky. Other days, it was as if he'd become a completely different person, volatile and depressed. 

When he finished explaining his reasons behind lying to Tony, Bucky seemed to understand, but he didn't like any of it. 

"Stevie, what would you have done if you weren't allowed to help me when you brought me back here? I mean, you've protected me from them. You know damn well that one of those nuts would have been doing experiments on my brain by now if it weren't for you." 

Steve doubted that was true, but Bucky did have a point. Tony and Bruce were very scientific minded people, and when they became curious about something, they didn't think too much about who their curiosity might affect. 

He sighed. "You're right. But how do we fix this? How do we bring her here and ensure that Loki is allowed to... keep her?" 

Bucky smiled. "You don't know her like I do. Remember, she wouldn't go with me. She didn't even trust  _me_ to keep her safe. Loki may very well be the only person she will speak to." 

 

 

As they prepared to leave, Bucky and Steve loaded as much cold weather gear as they could find into the quinjet while Loki laughed at their implication that he would need a coat. 

"There is only one good thing about my heritage. I will never be cold."  _Not on the outside, at least_. 

His mind was filled with the dreams he'd had the night before, even though he'd tried to block them out. All he could see was his Amelia's face. He kept telling himself that she would not remember him; that she would likely run away, but deep down he didn't believe that. 

He slipped the tattered ring box into his armor and walked out of his room hoping she would be with him the next time he came through the door. 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Loki had no idea what to expect. He tried not to picture his Amelia as she had been before the war. Over seventy years had passed since he'd last seen her, so she must have changed. Though he did not care what she looked like. He only hoped she still remembered him, and that she still accepted him for who he was. 

He and the two soldiers had to traipse across several acres of snowy hills before reaching the base of Jungfrau- the mountain where she was supposedly hiding. Staring up at the impressive peak, Loki suddenly wished Thor had come along. Using Mjolnir to fly would have made the journey much less daunting. 

According to Bucky, there were quite a few tourists who climbed the mountain each year, but none who ever found the small cave where Amelia had made her home. Loki hated to think of his princess living in such dire conditions and vowed to make her life exponentially easier from that day forward. 

 

"What are we using to climb that monstrosity?" Loki asked, eyeing the mountain again. 

Bucky chuckled. "Oh, we're not climbing it. The cave is  _under_ the mountain." 

 

When they finally reached the area Bucky had been aiming for, he put his hand up. 

"Listen, I know you want to see her, but I don't think it would be smart for us to go in all at once. I need to...to see how this is going to go first." 

Loki knew what Bucky meant, even if he didn't exactly  _say_ the words. Amelia would fight them- if she was still alive in there. Bucky was afraid they would go into her hideout and find her dead; killed by some Hydra assassin, or frozen to death. Loki's heart hammered in his chest, and he tried to fight the rising panic he felt. He looked around, trying to absorb his surroundings. He took in a deep breath just to feel the cold air in his lungs. He tried to take comfort in the stability of the ground beneath his feet. But none of those things was helping him stay calm. Knowing that his Amelia was just yards away, dead or alive, and she might not remember him. And if she remembered him, she might not love him anymore.

"Loki- you're turning blue," Steve whispered. 

Loki glanced down at his hands. He'd been fighting his Jotun heritage since they landed the quinjet, and now that his mind was wandering, it was far more difficult to keep his skin from changing. 

He shrugged. "It happens." 

 

Bucky stood at the entrance to the cave with his knife drawn. He would never dream of hurting his friend under normal circumstances, but he knew how volatile she could be, so he always took precautions. Using Morse code, he tapped his name on the side of the cave with the butt of his knife and waited. Seconds passed, then minutes. Bucky started to get anxious about her well-being. Then he heard footsteps. They were soft and slow, and he knew she was trying to trick him. As they grew closer, Bucky braced himself for a fight. 

Suddenly, Amelia flew out of the mouth of the cave, and tackled him to the ground. His lip was bloodied before he could defend himself. 

"What the  _hell_ are you doing back here, Barnes? Didn't I tell you _I_ _don't want your help?"_  

Before he could answer, she shoved her forearm into his throat. 

"You are compromising my position right now. They'll  _kill_ me because of  _you_." 

For a moment, Bucky thought she was actually going to kill  _him_ this time, but thankfully neither Steve nor Loki listened when he'd told them to stay put. 

"Amelia?" 

Loki's voice rang in Bucky's ears as he felt his consciousness begin to ebb. Amelia's weight lifted off of his throat slightly as she turned to look in Loki's direction. Bucky heard her gasp. 

" _Loki?_ " 

 

 

Loki stood completely transfixed as his Amelia held Bucky  _the super soldier_ to the ground. She looked different, but no less beautiful. Her dark hair flowed down her back, and her eyes were still the same piercing green. But before the war, she'd looked so very innocent, and now she seemed harder somehow. She was world worn. In her eyes, Loki could see every moment she'd spent in fear. Her face was less round, more angular, and Loki wondered how long it had been since she'd had a full meal. But she looked very healthy. She was strong- far more muscular than he had ever imagined. She wore a tight black thermal shirt, and he could see the lithe curves of her arms and back. She was exquisite. 

"You remember?" He could barely string two words together. 

She tilted her head to the side, looking him up and down. He suddenly felt very self-conscious. Had he changed that much too? 

"You're still alive? How- how is that possible?" 

The expression on her face was one he remembered well. It was a mixture of confusion and concern, but thankfully not fear. He'd been afraid she would be scared of him. After all, if he were human, he should be long gone by now. 

"Could you maybe...let me breathe?" Bucky asked, breaking the strange spell they had over each other. 

Amelia slowly stood, allowing Bucky to roll onto his side to catch his breath. She didn't spare him a glance as she walked closer to Loki. Her gaze met his, and she looked almost suspicious. 

"Is this some kind of trick? Because, if it is, it's fucking _cruel."_   

Loki had never heard her speak that way before, and at first he didn't understand what she meant. But when her eyes teared, and she started to back away from him, her words fell into place. 

" _No._ Amelia, no. It's not a trick, I promise. Bucky, tell her!" 

Then he remembered the tiny box he'd brought with him. He had almost left it behind, but something told him he would need it. She was shaking her head and wiping her eyes, walking back toward the mouth of the cave. Loki's heart broke watching her. Was he still that important to her? 

"Amelia, darling. Wait. I have something to show you." 

He held up the little box, and he saw her eyes grow wide with recognition. 

"Do you remember this? I've carried it with me all these years. Amelia, I... I never stopped loving you. I didn't  _want_ to leave that day. I tried everything in my power to get back to you, and then-- then I heard you were dead. Killed in the war. I think I died right along with you. Bucky was the one who told me you were still alive. That you'd been captured. It's my fault we're here. I  _had_ to see you..." 

For a moment, Amelia didn't speak, and Loki thought she didn't want him anymore. Then she pulled the glove off of her left hand, revealing the engagement ring he had given her so long ago. 

"You still have it," Loki gasped. 

"I never stopped loving you either, my Loki." 

 

Steve was tending to Bucky, helping him catch his breath, but he noticed the subtle change in Amelia's posture. She hadn't dropped her guard. 

"Loki--" 

Before he could warn the god, the girl had pulled two daggers from out of nowhere. 

 

" _But you're not my Loki._ He would be an old man by now. He might even be  _dead_." 

She flung one of her daggers at Loki's head, but was shocked when Loki caught the blade just before it hit his face. 

"Amelia, please," he implored. "Just let me explain." 

Steve started toward them- to help Loki in case Amelia became more violent- but Loki shook his head. This was between the two of them. Steve could understand that. He'd faced the same thing when he'd been reunited with Bucky, but Bucky hadn't remembered him at all. At least, not at first. Bucky hadn't even remembered his own name. 

Loki's voice was soft and understanding. Steve could see that he'd thought about this moment, and he had known this was a possibility. He had known that she might not believe he was who he claimed to be. Steve also realized that he'd misjudged Loki once again. He might be dangerous and unstable, but he was capable of understanding human emotion. 

 

"There is no explanation for this! You come here posing as my lost love, and you even have the audacity to present  _this_ as proof?" 

Loki let out a yelp of protest as Amelia yanked the ring box from his hands. Without warning, Amelia was knocked off of her feet. Steve watched as the tiny box flew from her grasp and landed safely back in Loki's outstretched hands. 

"What the  _hell_?" 

Loki immediately went to Amelia, helping her up. Even though she still had her other dagger ready to slice at his throat, he gently lifted her off the ground and apologized. 

"I put a protective spell on it so no one else could hold it. Everyone at the tower was mocking me for keeping it, and I- I was afraid someone would take it from me. It's...it  _was_ the most precious thing I had left." 

Steve and Bucky held their breath and waited for Amelia's reaction. Bucky wanted to tell her who Loki was- how Loki had stopped his nightmare, how he'd seen her in his dream, and how he'd been so desperate to know if she was still alive- but he didn't want to get in the way of whatever Loki had planned. 

"Did you say  _spell_?" 

"Amelia, I'm...not human. I'm sorry I never told you the truth. I was afraid you would fear me, or that you wouldn't love me anymore if you found out who I really was. But that is why I'm able to be here today- still young and very much alive. I will tell you everything you wish to know if you'll come back with us. You need to get out of here, Amelia. You need to be safe. I promise to keep you safe, even if...even if you don't want me anymore." 

 

She turned to stare at Bucky and Steve as if they were the ones who had concocted the entire plan. Loki could see the pain and fear in her eyes, and it tore at his heart in a way he hadn't felt in a very long time. It had been decades since he'd allowed anyone to get close to him. It just wasn't worth the heartache. People left. When they found out that he wasn't the prince they thought he was, they left him. They said he caused  _them_ too much pain, but all too frequently it was the other way around. He tried his best to be what they wanted, but in the end he was never good enough for anyone, so he'd learned to live his own life without anyone's approval. 

"If you're such a great sorcerer that you can put a spell on this old box, then use your  _magic_ to prove yourself to me. Prove that you are who you claim to be. Show me something that no one else would know." 

The way she said the word  _magic_ told Loki that she absolutely didn't believe him. She thought he'd used some cheap parlor trick to rig the box. He didn't want to hurt her, but he realized that he had no choice but to use his Seidr to show her exactly what she'd asked for. 

"Give me your hand, love." 

She did as she was told, but rolled her eyes dramatically as she did so. It made Loki sad to see her so bitter and cynical, but he hoped that  _this_ would change her mind. 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Loki closed his eyes and prayed to a god he didn't even believe in that Amelia would remember. It had been so long since that night, and Loki knew  _this_ was the only thing he could show her that no one else in the whole of creation could possibly know about. 

_Amelia was laying in bed sobbing. Her loneliness had reached a peak after a long and emotionally exhausting day. She'd been so_ happy _when Loki had proposed to her. He was the love of her life. He was everything she had ever needed. And now he was gone- snatched away from her faster than she could have ever thought possible. She closed her eyes and willed herself to go to sleep. She wanted to_ die _, but she knew that feeling would pass eventually._

Loki could see everything Amelia could, and it was almost physically painful to watch her hurt that way. He remembered exactly how he'd felt when he'd knelt in the grass- far away from the palace- to make his attempt at delivering his message. In essence, he was invading her dreams, but it was the only way he knew to contact her, and he couldn't bear the thought of leaving her without another word. 

At that moment, her pain was his pain. He gasped- feeling the shock she felt, feeling the pain of his absence all over again. Then he continued, hoping with every fiber of his being that she remembered. 

 

_"Amelia, my love...I'm here. I can't touch you, but I'm here."_

_She heard his voice through the veil of blackness._

_"Loki!? Where are you? What happened to you? Please come home..." She hated the desperation in her voice. She'd never been the desperate type, but she didn't think she could live without him._

_"Darling, I..." she saw his form, but it was thin and wispy. "I'm trying to get back to you. Please believe me. I love you so much, my Amelia. I--I can't hold on here much longer. Stay safe for me my love..."_

  


Amelia let go of Loki's hand with a gasp. Tears streamed down her face, and Loki wanted to go to her so badly. He wanted to comfort her like he had so long ago. 

"How did you know about my dream?" Her words were whispered, unlike the way she'd spoken to him and Bucky just moments before. 

The night he had disappeared, she'd had that dream, and it had somehow convinced her that he was still alive- still out there trying to get back to her. She'd been a fool. Or so she thought. 

"Amelia, I- I  _gave you_ that dream. I used my Seidr- my magic- to tell you that I was trying to get home. I didn't want you to think I had left you on purpose. I would  _never_ do that. Amelia, you  _know_ that no one else in the realms could possibly know about that dream. I'm telling you the truth. Please... just...give me a chance. I still love you so much, no matter what has happened to each of us in the years between." 

Loki didn't say anything more. There was nothing more he  _could_ say. He knew it was up to her, to either choose to believe him or not. He didn't think he could stand knowing she was alive out there when he could give her so much more. But if she didn't want to go with him- if she didn't love him anymore- he would have to find a way to live with that. 

 

Bucky had been inching closer and closer to them while they talked, but Loki hadn't the first clue what the soldier was up to. His face was paler than usual, and Loki assumed it was due to lack of oxygen. He was still quite impressed by the fact that Amelia- his little princess- had managed to fling Bucky to the ground and disarm him so efficiently. If they weren't in this current predicament, he would find it extremely arousing. Actually, if he were being honest, he  _did_ find it extremely arousing. 

The soldier began making some ludicrous hand motions Loki couldn't interpret, so he shook his head. 

" _What, Barnes?_ " 

"Shhh! I hear someone approaching," he mouthed. Amelia immediately turned to face him, and they made some sort of fancy hand gestures that were completely foreign to both Loki and Steve. 

Suddenly, six well-armed men stepped out of the surrounding forest and began firing at them. Loki dove to cover Amelia's body with his own out of sheer instinct. 

"For fuck's sake, will you get off of me?  _I_ should be the one protecting _you."_

Her words hit him like a knife to his chest, and he rolled away from her. Pulling his daggers, he began flinging them in all directions, taking out three of the men single-handedly. Steve was fending off an endless stream of bullets with his shield while Bucky was in hand-to-hand combat with another hostile.

Loki watched as Amelia took a tiny switchblade from her pocket. She moved with such grace and speed, Loki almost forgot he was supposed to be helping her. Within seconds, the man she had been fighting crumpled at her feet, his body covered in slices that gushed bright red blood into the snow. She didn't bother looking in his direction as she headed toward the man firing at Steve. Without preamble, she pulled another much bigger blade from her leg holster and promptly cut the man's throat.

When Loki snapped out of his trance, he flew to where Bucky was tangling with the other man. As the two men quarreled, he managed to slip his dagger between them and slice the hostile's Achilles tendon, rendering him completely helpless. Standing above him with one foot planted in the man's chest, Loki held him down. 

" _Who sent you?"_ He growled. 

Amelia casually walked over and flung a blade into the man's skull, killing him instantly. Loki whipped his head around to stare at her. 

"Hydra. Hydra sent him. And now, because  _you_ ," she gestured to Bucky, "came here looking for me again, I'm fucked. I'll have to find somewhere else to hide." 

Loki could see that she was extremely upset, but he didn't want her to feel like she had nowhere to go. Perhaps she wasn't aware of the protection she would have at the tower? Nevertheless, she had to come with them because the alternative was too horrible for him to imagine. He tentatively stepped closer to her and held out his hand. 

"Amelia, please love...come with us. You don't have to find a place to hide. I- I promise I will keep you safe." 

All he received in return was a teary-eyed snort of derision. 

 

 

It was a long, tense walk back to where they'd hidden the quinjet, but thankfully none of them had sustained any serious injuries. Loki tried to make light conversation with Amelia, but she barely spoke to any of them, and he finally gave up. He couldn't believe how much she had changed. She'd been so sunny and playful when he knew her before, and now she seemed fearful and bitter. He wondered if the old Amelia was still in there somewhere or if she'd been erased by her captors. 

Bucky had been brooding since she'd attacked him, and he'd made little quips the entire walk back. Loki couldn't blame him, but it was getting old. The soldier didn't seem to understand why she  _migh_ _t_ be a little upset about having her hiding place exposed. He'd assumed that once she saw Loki, she would come with them without a second guess. Evidently, Amelia had the same problem Loki had; neither of them trusted anyone- not even people they loved. 

 

"Sonofabitch!" Bucky yelled. 

Amelia glared at him and slapped a hand over his mouth. 

"Will you  _shut up?_ What is  _wrong_ with you? They'll capture you too!" 

"They- they sabotaged the quinjet...we can't get home," Bucky muttered, defeated. 

Loki walked around the craft, assessing the damage. Bucky was right. The ship was toast. The agents had done everything in their power to make sure they couldn't leave, including blowing holes in the ship's hull. 

Steve shook his head. 

"We'll have to find a place to stay until Stark can get us out of here..." 

Amelia glared at Steve.

"No, I'll tell you what will happen:  _You two_ are as good as dead," she pointed at Steve and Loki, "And  _we_ will be going straight back into Hydra's circle of hell." 

  


Loki almost felt insulted that she thought so little of his fighting abilities until she started to cry. Tears welled in her eyes, and she held her breath attempting to keep them at bay. Loki felt sick seeing her so frightened and angry. It was obvious she'd been through hell, and there was nothing he could to to erase that. 

" _I_ can get us out of here if you trust me. But you have to trust me because this will be a new experience for you three," Loki whispered. 

Amelia looked confused and skeptical, but she nodded quickly.

"Personally, I don't care if you summon a herd of angry buffalo to carry us away. That would be far better than what Hydra has in store for us." 

The two soldiers looked at each other and then nodded their agreement. 

 

"Close your eyes and hold onto me as tightly as you can." 

"Why do we have to close our eyes?" Bucky asked, clearly not amused. 

Loki chuckled. "You don't  _have_ to...if you _enjoy_ vomiting everything you've eaten for the last twelve hours." 

 


	10. Chapter 10

"I tried to tell you to keep your eyes closed, Barnes," Loki scolded as Bucky gagged.

The soldier was on his hands and knees in the middle of Stark's fancy living room. Thankfully, he hadn't eaten much in the last forty-eight hours, so it seemed gagging was all he was going to do. Steve had managed to keep himself upright, so he was standing over Bucky looking quite pale, but attempting to comfort him. Amelia was still clinging to Loki with her eyes shut tight, even though they had landed on solid ground at least five minutes before. Loki wrapped one arm around her to steady her, noticing how hard she trembled, and instantly felt badly for frightening her more. 

Amelia was more than a little dizzy from the trip to the tower. Though she'd kept her eyes closed as Loki had recommended, she still felt like she'd been through a hurricane. She'd felt such pressure around her, and the sound of the wind whipping about their bodies was so loud she wanted to cover her ears, but she didn't dare let go of Loki's armor. It was disorienting at best, and terrifying at worst. 

"What...what just happened?" Amelia muttered, still gripping Loki's armor as if it were a lifeline. He had to admit that even though he knew she was suffering from shock, he was enjoying the way she clung to him. It almost felt like old times. 

"I teleported us here. I apologize for frightening you. You're safe now. It's alright." 

He wanted to wrap his arms around her, to soothe her with something other than words. Everything he said sounded hollow to him. It was as if nothing that came out of his mouth was good enough for this lover that had miraculously returned from the dead. He wasn't worthy of her. He never had been. He just hadn't known it at the time. 

 

Stark was livid when he found out about the destroyed quinjet, and he was equally pissed to know that Loki had been able to teleport right into his tower. While Banner ushered Bucky into his lab to check his vitals and make sure he wasn't suffering from any major trauma, Steve attempted to placate Stark. 

"What the  _hell_ happened?" 

He was pacing the floor, running his hands through his hair, and Loki found himself inching closer and closer to Amelia. She glanced at him a few times as if she didn't really know what to make of the lunatic in front of them. 

Tony stopped abruptly when Steve started to explain. 

"We were at the rescue point, and we were attacked, Tony. There was nothing any of us could do. When we made it back to the jet, it had been sabotaged. They must have known we were coming." 

"How is that even  _possible?_ Our security is--" he stopped. "It was  _you_."

He pointed at Loki.

 _"Had_ to be. We send you on a mission to rescue Bucky's friend from Bumfuck Alpine Mountain, and suddenly there are Hydra agents crawling all over the place?" 

Tony stalked toward Loki, but Loki had no interest in fighting. He simply backed up until he hit the wall, but Stark wasn't backing down. He was in Loki's face yelling when Amelia stepped up behind him. 

"I know a pressure point that will knock you out cold for at  _least_ thirty minutes, and if you don't back the  _fuck up_ , I will use it right now." 

Stark's head whipped around at her calmly issued threat, and Loki stared, wide-eyed over his shoulder. To Loki's surprise, Tony put his hands up and walked away. He tried to make eye contact with Amelia, but she had already whirled around and strolled off. 

"Why- why would you defend him?" Tony asked. 

Amelia didn't answer. She wasn't sure why Tony's anger and accusations had pissed her off so much, but the sight of that man backing Loki into the wall had made her want to gut him. But seeing as how  _that man_ was the one responsible for giving her a place to stay, she decided gutting him was probably not the answer. Still, it wasn't like her to defend someone so quickly. Especially someone she didn't completely trust. 

 

When Bucky was finished being nauseated, Banner called the rest of them in for a quick examination. It was protocol after a mission, after all. He was particularly interested in the newcomer though, especially since she was a lot like Bucky. Loki sat and rolled his eyes as Banner looked him over for any sign of injury. 

"It would have healed by now anyway, Banner." 

Bruce laughed. "I know, I know... but I have to check anyway. I mean, what if you had a bullet wound? Would that heal?" 

Loki smirked. "I've had quite a few of them actually. It takes a few minutes for the foreign object to be ejected from my flesh, but after that the wound closes quite nicely." 

Amelia was listening intently to their conversation, but she couldn't believe her own ears. 

"Did you say...your body will  _eject_ a bullet? By itself?" 

Loki smiled, happy to have her attention for once. "Not necessarily by itself. My Seidr- magic- helps my body heal. I used to have to focus intently on healing, but after hundreds of years it is automatic." 

"You're...serious, aren't you?" 

"I can prove it. Cut me, darling. I won't even bleed on the good doctor's table." 

Loki's eyes were steady as he gazed at Amelia, and her heart started to pound in her ears. She'd sliced and cut and killed a  _lot_ of people, but there was something so unnerving about the way he just sat there, asking her to do it. She wasn't completely sure she could, and that made her feel a little more human. 

"I- I can't." 

Loki grinned wickedly. "Do it, love. I promise I'll enjoy it. Besides, I need for you to believe me. Please, Amelia. You can't hurt me, not really." 

Not now, anyway. He'd already suffered so much, Loki felt half-dead. He almost felt that if she inflicted physical pain on him, he might believe he still had a chance. 

Her hands trembled as she took out the tiny switchblade she'd used to kill the Hydra agent. 

"I need to clean this first. I'm not cutting you with a dirty blade." 

Loki thought that was ironic, but he let her have her comfort. He knew he couldn't catch any of the human diseases that might lurk on the steel. He watched as she dutifully cleaned the blade and dried it off. She held it up for his inspection, and he nodded and smiled. 

Taking a deep breath, she brought the sharp blade across his arm. As she watched bright red blood swell from the cut and begin to run, tears welled in Amelia's eyes. But just as suddenly as the blood began to pour, the wound started to disappear. Loki pulled a towel off of a nearby rack and wiped the area, showing her that there was absolutely no sign that she'd ever touched him. She swiped at her eyes, attempting to cover her weakness but Loki had already caught on. 

"Why are you crying?" 

"I... I don't know." 

Amelia looked around like she was lost for a moment, then focused on Loki's face. 

"I can't explain it. Watching that...your blood... I've hurt  _so many_ , but for some reason hurting you was...awful." 

Loki didn't know how to respond. He knew he would feel the same way about hurting her, but he was still very much in love with her. Was she still in love with him? Had she been through so much trauma that she needed time to remember him? 

"Amelia sweetheart, you didn't hurt me. I  _asked_ you to do that. I wanted you to believe me. It's okay." 

Her watery eyes met his, and for a moment she looked like the Amelia he used to know. He smiled, and she reached out a finger to brush the top of his arm where the skin had just healed. 

"You're...that's amazing." 

 

 

Stark begrudgingly allowed Amelia the room across the hall from Steve and Bucky's. Steve had haggled with him about it, arguing that Amelia likely had nightmares just as Bucky did, and it would be prudent to keep her somewhere they could help her if she needed it. Loki knew she didn't have a single possession to call her own, so he offered to let her use some of his things. He hoped she might think of him when she saw them. He lent her a few pairs of sweatpants that were miles too big for her, but she was happy because she had nothing clean otherwise. And he managed to slip a t-shirt into the pile when no one was looking. A t-shirt that he'd been wearing. He knew it was a bit odd, but she used to wear his clothes, saying she liked them better dirty because they smelled of him. 

Later that night, Amelia knocked on Steve and Bucky's door. She'd been caught in a maze of frightening and confusing thoughts all evening, and she needed help getting out. 

"Bucky...I need to ask you something." 

Steve let himself out, knowing she probably needed privacy. For that, she was thankful. Most of the people she'd met seemed nice, except for that Stark guy. He'd pissed her off immediately. She didn't know why it made her so angry that he'd accused Loki of sabotaging the jet. But she had been completely prepared to put him down. 

"Sure, what's going on?"

Amelia sighed. She didn't want to talk about this with anyone, but she had no choice. 

"When we were back at the mountain, Loki showed me a dream I'd had... long ago. He said he used his magic, but I'm scared. I'm scared he's not really Loki...not my Loki. I'm afraid he's some lunatic Hydra agent that I don't remember... someone who managed to extract that dream from my brain while I was being tortured in that hells--" 

Bucky stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. 

"Amelia, no. I know exactly how you feel because I went through the same thing when I found Steve again. But that man in there? That is Loki. He's no Hydra agent. Trust me."

Amelia still looked skeptical, and Bucky understood completely. When he and Steve had been reunited, he'd been so brainwashed, he though Steve was there to kill him. He thought he'd been sent by Hydra to eliminate him. It had been very difficult for Steve to convince him of the truth. 

Bucky sighed, knowing what he was about to do was a very bad idea. 

"Listen, I'm going to tell you why we ended up coming back to get you. But you can't tell him that I told you because he'll  _kill_ me." 

 

 

When Amelia left Bucky's room, she quietly tiptoed down the hall to Loki's door. She wasn't sure if he was sleeping or not, but she decided to take the risk. If what Bucky said was true, Loki really  _was_ in love with her, and he'd been through just as much misery as she had. She needed to see him- to see his face- to really  _look at him._

She knocked softly, but he still heard her. 

"Come in."

His voice was sleepy, but when she opened the door, he sat straight up in bed as if he'd been awake the entire time. 

"Amelia...do you need something?" The concern in his voice was so sweet, she couldn't believe she hadn't heard it before. It was interesting how one person's opinion could change your view of someone else so completely. 

She studied his face for a moment. His eyes were the same; green, soulful, almost sad but full of some big mystery. He looked older, but not in a bad way. 

"Loki...my dream...the one you showed me..." 

He suddenly looked hopeful and her heart clenched up in her chest.  _Don't let me hurt him._

"What about it, darling? Do you need me to show you again?"

"No. Can you show me more? Can you show me what we were like before? I- I want to remember us. I want to remember myself...before  _this_. Loki--I believe you." 

Amelia's heart melted when Loki's face split into a smile. She hadn't seen him smile like that since... she couldn't remember  _when_ , but she knew he'd smiled at her like that- a long, long time ago. She twisted her hands together nervously, reaching for the ring on her left hand. 

"Of  _course_ I can, my love. Come," he reached for her, "Sit beside me, and I will show you anything you wish to see."

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

"I-- I want to know how we met. And I want to know how we fell in love. And I want to know how you  _told_ me that you loved me, and--" Amelia was rambling, and Loki pressed his index finger to her lips. 

"Do you  _really_ believe me, my love?" 

Amelia's lip trembled where he touched it, and she sighed. The truth was, she did. But her own memories were so mixed up, she couldn't remember much of anything. The only thing she could remember was holding tightly to that ring. It had been her lifeline. She knew  _someone_ out there loved her enough to give it to her. She knew what he looked like, and she knew she'd loved him more than anyone in the world, but she had no other memories of him. It was as if Hydra had erased everything good in her mind. 

"I do. I just wish I could  _remember_ , Loki. I know that I love you. Otherwise, why would I care enough to defend you when that  _asshole_ accused you of sabotaging the jet? Why would it bother me to drag my blade across your skin?" She shivered remembering the way his blood had run toward the table. 

"Loki, I'm not that compassionate... "

He smiled sadly. "You are. You've merely forgotten. I'm going to show you who you are, sweet Amelia." 

 

Loki grasped her hands, and she was immediately whisked into a different time and place. She was still holding Loki's hands, but they were watching  _themselves_ from a distance. She was young and  _happy_ , and he was...less battle worn, less worried. They both looked so excited about life. Amelia wondered how everything had gone so wrong. 

_"Do you want wine? I actually found some while I was in town!"_

_Loki looked at her lovingly. "Would you allow me to lick it off of your sweet lips, my love?"_

_She blushed and smiled, clearly loving the way he touched her waist as he spoke to her._

_"Loki, how do you manage to- to do this? To sleep next to me every night and... kiss me... but honor my wishes? To wait for me to be ready?"_

_Loki touched her cheek. "This is all I need. Of course, I_ want _to..." he smiled lasciviously..."but I need you. Nothing more. I love sleeping next to you. I love kissing you even more. I just... love you, Amelia."_

The memory ended, and Amelia was suddenly back in Loki's room at the tower. There were tears in her eyes, but she hadn't realized she was feeling that emotional. She let go of Loki's hand to touch her face. 

"What is this? I don't  _cry_. What the hell is this? Since you came to get me, I've cried.  _Twice_. That hasn't happened since---" she stopped abruptly, leaving Loki feeling as if he was on the edge of a cliff. 

"Since what, love?" 

 

Amelia sat in complete silence for a few minutes, but Loki didn't want to push her. He knew that if he said one wrong word, she would run from him, and he was thankful to have her in his room at all. It was strange seeing her like this, when his memories of her were so vastly different. She'd been incredibly innocent. Loki often wondered if that was what had drawn him to her in the first place. He'd known she deserved better than him, but he couldn't seem to drag himself away from her. Now she looked so weary, but still ready to fight anyone at any time. He thought she might be even  more paranoid than he was, and that was really saying something. 

She finally looked up at him again, and her eyes were filled with tears. 

"Since I realized that you weren't coming back. After that dream, I had hope that you would return to me even though I assumed it was  _just_ a dream. But then I went looking for information..." 

Loki's heart seized up in his chest. He'd known all along that it had been  _his fault_ that she'd been taken by Hydra...and she was about to give him proof. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

"I mean, after watching you disappear into a pillar of light, I kinda figured you weren't  _from_ here."

She went on to explain that she didn't remember anything she'd discovered, but she knew she'd found  _something_ because  _they_ had been interested in it. Loki knew without asking that  _they_ were Hydra. He stood up and began pacing the room. He'd known her capture and subsequent torture was his fault, and now he would have to face the fact that everything he touched was cursed. 

"What's wrong?" Amelia asked, completely unaware of his revelation. 

A book flew off of his shelf, and Amelia turned to look at it, but didn't seem affected. That, at least, made him smile. 

"It's all my fault, Amelia. All of it," he snarled. "The moment I had  _anything_ to do with you was the moment I doomed you to this fate. If I'd had the strength to stay away from you  _as I knew I should_ , this would not have happened to you. You would have lived a normal life. A  _happy_ life." 

"And I'd be dead. Just like everyone else who was born in the early 1900's. Is  _that_ what you want?" 

Loki frowned. She didn't understand what he was saying, and he had almost anticipated that reaction. 

"Of course not, love. But when you went looking for information about  _me_ , you were doomed to be captured by Hydra. Don't you see? This is all my fault. I will  _never_ forgive myself." 

 

The expression on Loki's face made Amelia feel sick to her stomach. She didn't understand why the feeling was so strong, or what she could do to fix it. All she really wanted in that moment was to make him okay again because if she didn't, she knew  _she_ wouldn't be okay either. 

"Loki, please...come sit back down. Do you know why I've worn this ring for the last seventy years?" 

Amelia fiddled with the engagement ring Loki had given her and he marveled at the fact that she still had it. 

"I didn't remember much of anything after-- well, you know. But when I looked at this," she held it out and it sparkled under the light from his bedside lamp, "it gave me comfort. It made me feel like  _someone_ gave a damn about me, even if I wasn't strong enough to live through what they did to me.  _Someone_ would care that I was missing. And I could see your face, Loki--every time I looked at this, I could see your face. I used to think that pillar of light in my memories was some kind of sign...like you were my angel or something. I couldn't remember why that was significant until much later. I don't know what they did to my mind, but some memories come and go like that." 

She looked up at him, noting that he still hadn't sat down, but he'd come closer- close enough for her to touch. She took his hands and saw the corner of his mouth twitch. 

"Loki, I wouldn't erase that for anything in the universe. I wouldn't erase  _that_ feeling for whatever random cliche' happy life that fate would have generated for me if you hadn't shown up. It  _kills_ me that I can't remember us, but when I touch you, I feel something I can't explain. When I have a tiny shadow of a memory of us, I long for more. I  _beg_ my brain-  _just remember!_ Loki...I'd volunteer to be tortured all over again if it meant I could have all of those memories back so we could start anew. I-- I know that I love you. Please, just let this go so we can--"

Amelia gasped as Loki took one giant stride toward her and threw all caution to the wind, kissing her deeply and passionately as he'd wanted to do from the moment he'd laid eyes on her again. Then when she realized what was happening, she was kissing him back. This, she remembered. She grasped his shoulders and pulled him closer, feeling the strength and weight of his body on hers. 

 

"You  _love_ me? Are you certain?" Loki asked after they'd broken the kiss. 

It was difficult for him to believe she was even alive. How could she possibly still love him if she didn't remember him? 

Amelia nodded. "I  _know_ I love you, Loki. There's no other explanation for this...this feeling I have when I'm around you. It's strange. When I look at you, I feel overwhelmingly sad, but exhilarated at the same time. I feel the devastation I certainly must have felt when you were taken from me...but I also feel a thrill of hope. And I can't explain it because it's like my heart is putting the pieces together before my brain can make the connections." 

Amelia felt like she was talking in circles, but she had no other way to explain herself. It was incredibly frustrating not being able to show him how she felt. 

"Loki...did we ever...?" She felt herself blushing, and she already knew the answer. 

Loki looked at her for a moment as if he didn't know what she was asking, but when he saw her cheeks flush and thought of the memory he'd shown her, he shook his head. 

"Make love? No, sweetheart. We-- never had the chance." 

There was a sadness in his voice that made Amelia's chest ache, and she realized how much that must have meant to him. 

"Then that means I'm still a--" She couldn't bring herself to say the word, but she found humor in the way Loki's eyes widened dramatically. 

"You mean in all this time, you  _never_ \--?"

Amelia laughed without much humor. Evidently, Loki couldn't bring himself to complete his question either. She shrugged her shoulders.

"Well, between being tortured and frozen, there wasn't much time to do  _that_. What about you? I'm sure you've had plenty of lovers." 

She honestly didn't want the answer to that, but she couldn't help herself. If she didn't ask, she would always wonder. Loki looked down at his hands, which were now twisted together in his lap. 

"I tried to find someone else, but every time I got close to anyone, I realized they had certain qualities; one had your laugh, another had your eyes, and so on. I knew I couldn't actually love them for who they were if I was constantly looking for  _you_ in them. So, no...unfortunately I managed to get myself into a whole lot of trouble instead."

 

Loki took her hands again. "Do you want to see how we met, love?" 

Amelia had tears in her eyes once again, so she merely nodded.  

 


End file.
